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Arsinos News
A place for all map game news and events. Like in the old wiki. Add latest news to the newest section of the page at the top The first banana *AAC asks Dog Bollock's Steel Tide for help in their time of need. *King Masher has also released the following statement - 'Dog Bollock is still it's own independent country and Pullenonia can go fuck itself with a rake invested with anthrax.' *After an unknown group of citizens from Dog Bollock are exterminated by the King's army for threatening to leave the country and spread chaos with several jars of Anthrax and what they claimed to be a device capable of creating a black hole, King Masher has begun building a large wall around his country to 'keep the wankers in'. Those wishing to enter the borders of Dog Bollock must be armed at all times for their own saftey. *kane would just like to remind people that if the table had been donated to the firewood for orphans charity then this confilict could have been avoided. But noooo people just had to be selfish. *The Stahl Empire mobilizes every warship available to the naval battle with AAC of the coast of Bridgnorth and orders have been given to destroy the ship and the table if the battle turns against the empire. *Hundreds of Tables have appeared at the Kanesville Bazarr and are said to have magical properties ranging from increasing authritar to curing HIV. Panic buying has gripped citizens as they open their wallets to buy their piece of the magic. *AAC responds to Stahls threat by mounting a full on naval attack. We strive to take the table. At no point must it fall into Shaderian or Stahl hands. *The Stahl Empire threatens to destroy the ship carrying the table should its naval fleets be attacked by either DPRSJ or the AAC. *DPRSJ naval fleets descend on The Green Sea. *Novak completes covert occupation of Shrewsbury under the pretense of 'peacekeeping' under the cunning guidance of Rebecca Black. The statue has been replaced with one of her and novak flags were raised at the climax of the song 'my moment' *All Stahl Forces in Salopia will retreat with the table escorting it to the Isle of Stahl. *The Selchen Marines of Shaderia are descending from the mountains and heading towards Bridgnorth. The Shaderian and Stahl Empire naval fleets will be waiting, hoping to take the table and store it on the Isle of Stahl. This is to ensure its safety and prevent it from being in AAC hands. *Kane News Corp wishes to thank AAC for pointing out the error in the recent article about the Shropshire Fachist Party being misspelled and would like to inform you that the intern who made the mistake has now lost both his hands in accordance with the workplace motivational policy. To report any errors in the future please click here! *George Takei voted Lexilo's new president. Lexilo's policies move to the left *Stahl Imperial Marines begin to bunker down in Bridgnorth in preparation for AAC attempts to stop the table being evacuated to Shaderia. *Novak proposes that after the war dies down a summit over ownership of the triangle takes place in Lotiripol *The Stahl Empire's second fleet currently located in Bridgnorth's port prepares to join up with the first fleet sailing from Reichendorf to take on the AACs fleet allowing Shaderia to escape with the table by sea from the east. *With Salopian consent, Novak peacekeepers occupy Shrewsbury and begin digging in, some elements of Novak institutions will be present. *AAC enters the Salopian war over concerns about Shaderias actions involving the table. Shaderia marches into Much Wenlock and takes the table, holding it in the Wenlock Edge mountains under the control (somewhat bizzarely) of a disabled orphan child, whose parents were supposedly killed during the ongoing conflict. AAC stations troops in three different positions, in the mountains on SE's south border with DPRSJ, a much larger force containing heavy artillery in the triangle of unclaimed land in the east (bordering Novak) and a reasonable size force in Telford, which will serve to equally block of Shaderia's escape routes with the table and help the communist forces against the oppresive SE regime. AAC also positions two large naval fleets, one just off the coast of the Socialist Republic Of East Shropshire, and one guarding the Wharrgarbl sea just off AAC's own coast to intercept any planned Shaderian escape routes with the table. *The Stahl empire decides that its troops and fleet in the Salopian Empire will remain in Bridgnorth in order to keep this vital port on the east open. *'SEND IN YR TOASTERVISION ENTRIES PLS.' *AAC publicly speak out against the Shropshire Fachists Party: "A fascist party that cannot spell 'fascist' cannot be trusted". *The Stahl Empire agrees that a road between these cities and a free trade agreement are in the interests of both the Stahl Empire and Lexilo. *Lexilo suggests to the Stahl Empire that building a new city so close to our border would provide the perfect excuse to build a road connecting Vettin to Rio. We are also willing to discuss a free trade agreement. *Kaneland military advisors pull out of bridgenorth due to facing overwhelming odds via an airlift after evacuating the leaders of the Shropshire Fachists Party to form a government in exile. Many valuable items from the Bridgenorth national museum and gold bullion from the central bank were also evacuated to "protect them from looters and to hold them in trust for the people of Salopia until their rightfull government can be restored" source: Kaneland News corp. *In an effort to boost the economy in the Stahl Empire and maintain growth. Emperor Bismarck announces the construction of a new city called Vettin to be located on the coast near the border with Lexilo connected to Atzenberg by road. *In response to Salopian Civil War after much debate in congress. Both Lexilo's Senate and House of Representatives vote against possible intervention either militarily or diplomatically. Delegating a resolution to the crisis to the UN for a balanced and impartial internationally sought solution. *The Stahl Empire sends a naval fleet to begin bombardment of communist held areas in Salopia, with plans being drawn up for an amphibious assault on Bridgnorth to support the Salopian empire. *Socialist Republic of East Shropshire declares independence though this does not seem to affect the istuation on the ground. A stalemate between Imperial and Communist forces persists over the Ironbridge. **Meanwhile In bridgenorth the Imperial forces have taken over half of the city, Communist forces arrive and take parts of the east while a small Kane-backed pocket of faschists exists on the south coast. *Kaneland attempts to colonise the large purple island in the green sea that appears to not belong to anyone. When a young officer asked what to do incase human settlements were detected commander Kane stated the time tested Kaneland military docterine of shoot first and ask questions later. The officer who asked the question was relived from duty after being shot. **What will Kaneland name this island? **The island will be known as Kanes holiday island and will be devoped into a massive theme park/penal colony/ holiday island/ reeducaation centre/ nuclear waste storage site. *Kane Industries launches a new wallpaper bearing the image of Kane so you can sleep with Kane watching over you. More Kane merchandise to follow says spokesman. *Airship is downed near Isimzia because the large marine mammal it was transporting was overweight. A camera capturing the footage also captures exclamation of "Oh, the huge manatee!" *Buffy The Vampire Slayer has been elected president of AAC in response to the public's constant fear of creatures of the night. *Toastervision 11 has been confirmed to take place in the Cherry Waves Inc. Arena, the largest open air music venue in the world, in Paramoria, on the west coast of AAC. *'A deadline has official been set for entries for Toastervision 11. Wednesday 18/9/13 is the deadline for entering, and Saturday 21/9/13 is the deadline for sending in songs. AAC's entertainment division hopes to have the youtube playlist live by next Monday.' *Jeremy Kyle brought in to help solve differences between the TCP and the rest of the SE. *The Salopian Empire are to set up a quarantine of all supplies passing from DPRSJ to Telford, any attempt to cross this quarantine will be met with a full retaliatory response! Negotiations continue between SE government and Telford communist party. *In an effort to improve the quality of the population Kane has introduced the danceof fwhere every one in kaneland is required to dance and the forst 50,000 people to stop dancing are shot. Kane hopes to make the danceoff and annual event that the whole family can enjoy. *The Stahl Empire declares DPRSJ's latest actions to be illegal and against the law. Any foreign interference in the Salopian Empire should either be requested by the Salopian empire itself or should be as a result of a UN resolution. The Stahl Empire will respond with military force if nessasary to protect it's ally. *The DPRSJ has ultimatly decided after long hours of inner negotiations to provide the Telford communist party with military support in the form of arms although the option of sending troops to the region is still being decided. The motion was passed in the DPRSJ parlliment today with a comfortable majority despite opposition from the New Radical Party. Stallin Dogg addressed his communist counterparts in Telford by stating "Do not fear fellow comrades. Your fight against oppression and corruption is the same struggle we have against oppresive nations such as the Stahl Empire and only you can send a signal of defiance to the current world order". *Kane offeres Bridgenorth protectorate status in return for access to dynamite mines essential for project Kane from space. *Kaneland launches navy in a great mission known as Kane from space to take control of the island to the north east of Kaneland with the aim to transform the island into a monument to Kane by using dynamite to create a likeness of Kane that can be seen from space. *The Stahl empire and Landland launch the joint venture company Monarch Industries further increasing ties between these two great nations. *Telford communist party requests help and intervention from other communist countries *Salopian Empire formed from Salopia and Landland. Road construction begins between Sameskai and Shrewsbury. Meanwhile rail construction begins between Polyarnaya Zvezda and Isimzia *Chaos in Salopia as the communists seize Telford, asking for urgent outside assistance, Bridgenorth remains unclear, and Communists hold the north bank of the ironbridge while loyalists hold the south in a bitter standoff. Shropshire county council meanwhile is drawing up plans to reform the Salopian Empire with Landland *At around mid-day local time in Bananalon (LSS+4) a banana fell from the top of the Banana tree on its hill, plummeting onto the cobbles below to form a yellow mush. A booming voice was heard from the tree "The sun sets to rise again, to know life ye must know death". The first death recorded was by seagul attack on an explorer on the East Faulkland Island. - It is widely beleived this signifies the end of limbo though it appears that this banana fell very much prematurely, parts of the world still exist in limbo where genesis is not complete. There may be other bananas to follow that will change the way the world works. News from limbo *In a recent poll 110% of respondants voted Kane pesron of the year. To celebrate the Kanesville city authority will spend 110% of the city budget to build a statue of Kane in his honour. *Kane news press release: The recently published images of Kane in a gaybar are confirmed to be a forgery made by superimposing an image of Kane singing at a charity concert. kaneland has never been richer thanks to the wise economic policies of Kane that are lifting billions out of poverty around the world and leading the way to a more prosperous future. Tests indicate that the Develish Rogue may be high and have an affinity for young boys. *The Devilish Rogue has taken scandalous pictures of Kane performing karaoke in a Lupinian gay bar. Rumours are starting to spread that Kaneland is low on funds. *Residents of disputed Bananalon say there is a banana on the tree of knowledge that is nearly ready to pick *A timezone standard is set with the Loveshack, UNAT, being the central standard in the timezone LSS, or LoveShack Standard (LSS+0) with default timezones going from LSS-12 to LSS+12. Fozamor operates in LSS+0, Fusonia in LSS-6. Novak is split into East Novak TIme (LSS+3) and West Novak Time (LSS+2) Map to follow. Disputed region of Bananalon syncs to LSS+4 *AAC implores all nations that have not voted or have abstained from voting on the lemon in coke issue immediately vote against. This law if passed would be a ridiculous affront to our civil liberties, all because Shaderia are weird and have lemon in Lemonade, which pretty much everyone agrees is weird. *The UN general assembly agrees to claim Tracey island as a UN territory and construct the town of the Loveshack which will serve as a diplomatic hub and host the UNHQ and UN general assembly from now on. *'The Stahl Empire is pleased to see that Kane now sees the danger that is communism, the empire is happy to resume normal relations with Kaneland and looks forward to what the future holds for our two great nations.' *Kaneland Is worried about the effects of communism on Ka neland culture and is supporting fachists in bridgenorth to liberate Salopia and establish a proud nation of pure blooded Salopians. Kane would like to resume normal relations with the Stahl Empire to help counter the communist threat and is willing to stop arming the Greenpeace activists. What have whales ever done for us anyway *Kaneland appoints a new head of the of the families and childrens welfare service. Kane: after seeing this mans work for myself I expect there to be a great improvement in the the quality of childcare in Kaneland *The Stahl Empire sends an offer of support to Shrewsbury in the event that those communist pigs attempt to take over the rest of Salopia. *Communist reveloution in Telford *Novak plans memorial statue to all those we lost in the great nuclear war in the centre of Lotiripol *Kaneland executes 100 people who were cheese pressing in secret. kaneland media stats that if other nations took this proactive approach to make an example then cheese pressing could be wiped out within a decade and teh world will be better for it. *The DPRSJ has recently heard a claim concerning the pollution caused by cannabis smoke from Kaneland intellgence. Stalin Dogg, in the middle of press conference noted that "These lies that have been recently been perpetrated are a smear campaign set up by the StahlEmpire and we ask Kane to not bow down to Bismack's attempts to destroy the customs and traditions of the DPRSJ people. We firmly claim that this pollution was caused by a StahlEmpire intruder who is willing to cause inner turmoil and frictions between us and Kaneland". More recently, Donald Trump (leader of The New Radicals) stated "The DPRSJ Communist Party is leading this nation to a dark and deadly decline, and it's unrelentless, unregulated cannabis smoking is something we deplore entilerly". The New Radicals are organising protests near the Communist Party headquaters with hopes of regulating the canbbis problem whilst also stopping what it calls "war propoganda". *In light of a recent resolution the Stahl Empire has decided to suspend the executions of greenpeace prisonors. The empire would like to point out that these terrorists are not citizens of the empire and crossed into Stahl mainly from Kaneland, we did not go looking for this fight. *The DPRSJ leader Stalin Dogg speaking on the current Greenpeace situation has said "The aggression of Bismarck should be denounced by any sane government and it's supporters should be liberated. Whilst we will not show aggression this time ,we are willing to accept any Greenpeace refugees who will be given the means to shelter from these acts of abomination". Meanwhile the opposition leader Donald Trump of the New Radicals Party stated, "We agree with the current policy of the Stahl Empire as it's aims are only of self determination against tyranny and we will oppose the current government in it's aiding of these terrorists". *Greenpeace declared terrorists by Stahl empire, all supporters of this terrorist group in the empire are being rounded up and sent to labour camps on the Isle of Stahl. It is rumored that new whaling harpoon designs are being tested on greenpeace protestors in the camps. *Emperor Bismarck informs Kane that the empire regards Kaneland as nothing more than a weak puny nation in need of a real leader not some bald terrorist delinquent like Kane. *Stahl Empire and Landland form alliance *Thousands of Greenpeace protestors are entering the Stahl Empire in response to their unrelenting whaling which is "killing all the whales Man". *Kaneland sends a formal message to Emperor bismarck to go and sink himself and suggests the Stahl empire thinks twice before picking on stoned jedi and wasted stoner communists. and would like to remind Emperor Bismark not to underestimate the power of kaneland *Kaneland and AAC have formed an alliance and there was much rejocing. *Toastervision 11 has officially been announced to take place in AAC. Everyone get your entires in! *Emperor Bismarck of the Stahl empire has declared the DPRSJ to be an enemy of the Stahl people. Whilst not going as far as declaring war the emperor delcares that the DPRSJ is a threat to the empires national security and that their actions threaten world security and peace. He finished his speech stating that the Stahl people will never bow to communist pigs. *Due to the new development's the proposed miltary installments planned by the DPRSJ, progress has come to a halt due to new legislation. Stallin Dogg, speaking in Ravetown Aiight stated "The progress and constrcition of our great empire is at threat from the imperialists, globalists and capitalist pigs who mostly reside in the Stahl Empire. As it is clear that we may not be able to build our forces now, when we come to fruition the StahlEmpire will fear the great ideals of Lenin and Sen Dog (Cypress Hill Member) who will utilmatly be crushed. DEATH TO IMPERIALISM, DEATH TO THE STAHL EMPIRE!!!". Dogg then finished his speech by lighting up a giant cannabis leaf to the amusement of the crowd. *As part of the alliance between Kaneland and DPRSJ military bases have opened to foster greater understanding between our two nations and to enable better military coordination. Kaneland has named its base in DPRSJ Guantanamo and is usue that this arrangement will be benificaial for all involved. *In response to the UN prohibition of WMDs Kaneland has increased funding for conventional forces. Kaneland news agency attributes this to an increased likelyhood of war now that the nuclear deterrant has gone. *Due to a mutual agreement, the DPRSJ has built a military base in AAC terriotry. The DPRSJ notices that it will be heavily monitored, but welcomes the decision of military cooperation. Stalin Dogg gives permission to the ACC, to build a military base or any weaponary installment in DPRSJ. *Oil discovered just west of the falklands, in the deep portas ocean far west of Paramoria, in the disputed territory east of Novak and in the west Portas Ocean east of uninhabitied Trisland. Meanwhile gold has been discovered in south Fusonia and Ingtalian hills near Sameskai *Kane is nominated by Kaneland for the Nobel Peace Prize. Kane "It is good to see that my hard work has not gone unrecognised. My first act as a nominee is to ask the Un to send in peacekeepers to Shrewsbury to prevent power abuses thus creatin safe and secure society." *Tensions in Salopia as eastern areas such as Telford and Bridgenorth feel as if Shrewsbury has a disproportionate amount of power *The DPRSJ has formed the IAMS which will hopefully be a major music hosting platform for all soveirgn nations. The centre was offically opened by Vice President Ganja Putin who stated "shiit man, homies up in here got style son". *Alliance formed between Kaneland and The Democratic Peoples Republic of Stoners and Jedi (DPRSJ). There was much rejocing *Kaneland scientists have successfully fused a bananna and a dog to create a bananna dog. The bananna dog is now the official mascot of the Kaneland olympic team. Tests are still being carried out to determine if the bananna dog is in fact a bananna bitch but the official Kaneland newsagency states that the sex of the banna dog is not important as long as it tastes of bananna. Scientists in several other countries are asking to see the amazing creature but so far the dog is being kept under guard in Kanes handbag to prevent assassination attempts. *The Devilish Rogue has survived Annihilation and is set to sail the Arsinos seas.